Can a player ever change?

I was talkin to my friend Ash right now.. And she smacked me with some wisdom: We're young, why not just have fun? We'll always meet someone better and we have our whole lives to find a partner.

Part of me wants to know what a long term relationship feels like.. but i look at the relationship between me and my girl and see maybe it isn't as perfect as I made it out to be. We differ in language and culture, that's huge! We both bump Nas, and we both work out every damn day. But there's mad hunnies out there that's like that. The sex is good, but that doesn't last forever. I don't even know her, we've never had a chance to have a deep converstaion.

And on the side, I'm DJing a couple gigs a weekend now. I meet so many pretty girls I have chemistry with, it's just so tempting.. I'm trying to be a good BF. But part of me wants to just rip some clothes off, ykno?

I think the only reason I'm staying with her is that she's the hottest girl in Reno right now, and if I break up with her every other guy is gonna go after her. Do I like the status of dating the hottest K-girl in Reno and eating up the envy of all the guys more than I like HER??


Okay. I got it. I'll administer(spelling) a test. I won't see her til this saturday, I'll see if I miss her more or think of her less. Then make a decision.

Feeling so sad

Just as a prerequisite to this post: My roommate happens to be one of my closest brothers left in this fucked up world. He's a 23 year old dude who has been supporting his parents for a long ass time now. Not cause his parents are lazy, they just happened to not be as blessed as the rest of our parents who can hear and speak. He's a hard working cat I met a while back and we've been like brothers since.

Anyway, for the past few weeks or so. Life's been hitting him hard and I was startin to notice some wrinkles and tears on his face. As the days went on, his mood just got worse n worse. I mean, we've all hit that "rock bottom" and it seems like the world is just tryna push us lower and lower. But I was 100% sure he would pull his ass through, come out on top.

Yesterday, the last thing he said to me was, "Eric, no matter what happens, I always got ya back." with a tone that was just so sincere and serious at the same time. I looked at his face, his eyes were emotionless. He was sitting there waiting for me to make eye contact, as if to make sure I truly understood what he was trying to say to me.
I said, "I know dude, I got yours too." He blinked slowly and looked away.

That was his last words to me. I came back home today and he was fuckking gone..
ALL his shit is still sitting in his closet and desk. I usually knock first, and I'm sorry if you're reading this right now bruh, but I was worried about ya. So I walked in and his shit was all folded and nice and he was fucking gone. He wasn't at work or at a friends or drunk somewhere or anything. Just... gone...

This house is way to quiet without him. I've been bumping De La Soul all day, so I can stall the loneliness. But damn..

That was my dude. That's my dude. And he's fucking gone.

Summary

Man, mad updates are needed. First of all, why is everyone trippin about Kanye's outburst? You can say "That's just kanye, he's gonna be like that so just let it go", you can say "He's still human and should be held to the same standards as everyone else.. he unrightfully stole that moment from her!" Or something in between. I say thats an issue between Kanye West and everyone else who was involved.. I know it was on national television, but what part of the biz isn't nowadays, really. Let them handle it. Let's all save our energy for our own damn problems.

Whew

Now, I know it's been a rollercoaster ride with this fob girlthang of mine. But long story short: Shortly after the last post, I talked to my girl Ash about it and I realized that we probly shulda never gone so far anyway. The fob girlthand and I got in a little beef. But I got over her... BUT that fob girlthang called me the very next morning to make up and we hung out one day.. then another.. then another.. then another. We built a lot of chemistry, and she promised me she is gon master english within two months, and I promised her I'd get my six pack back by then, hahaha. We've been getting closer everday, feels like we been dating forever already.
Oh! And today she told me she loves me.. Whoa. I have three different feelings about this. Part one is thinking "Big ups to myself, lol. I did it again, I hooked another hottie". Part two is thinking "She loves me THIS soon??". And part three is thinking "She really loves me? I kinda like that :]"

Fire and Desire

Remember when I used to..
Love and leave them?
That's what I used to do.
Use and abuse them.
Then I layed eyes on you.
It was pain before pleasure.
That was my claim to fame.
With every measure, baby.
Tasted teardrop stains, yeah.
I was cold as ice long ago. Baby Baby.
I wasn't very very very nice, you know.
Sugar Sugar Sugar.
Then I kissed your lips
Then you turned on my fire, baby.
And you burned me up within your flames.
Took me a little higher.
Made me live again.
You turned on my fire, baby.
Then you showed me what a love could do.
Fire and desire, baby.
Feel it comin through.

Why.. This was all a mistake. I shouldv never let myself fall for this girl. I've just come to realize that a couple months down the road, we won't be together anymore. How can we, haha. We don't speak the same muh luvin language. We can only get to a certain point before the fire dies out.

When I'm not with her, I don't want to see her. It's stressful and boring to hang out with her, trying to translate everythign she saying. The only fun we have is when we touch. But i aint on that right now.
...that is.. until I'm with her...
And the few words that i understand, it blows me off my feet. She is so sweet and romantic, which ive never really had... But I can feel the fire is dying too..
I knew it in the beginning, but I just let myself fall anyway. Now I have to go through this muh luvin heartbreak before I move on.

..Should I move on? Why am I .. ugh

That's what I get for being so cold to so many girls in the past. But I thought God forgives and forgets. God, can't you just make me know korean, make a miracle happen. Make me a korean speaker please!! Let me wake up and know fluent korean!

Ugh

I just need this one miracle. Please.


This post is whack.