Detemination.. Doesn't mean you're accomplishing anything.

Peace.

Haha, aint it the damn truth! I'm determined to do atleast a few blogs a month, but does that mean I'm accomplishing anything?

Atleast I can get my thoughts down. Let's see..

First thing on the agenda. I'm out of school now. After this semester it's over for me.

Why? All my money has officially disappeared. Disappeared somewhere beneath all the bills, the turntable repairs, the lack of gigs, and hospital bills. The thing that did it was spending my last grand on my damn tooth.

Just when I thought I avoided all trouble with my parents by moving out...They find my house and break in at 3 AM. Start yelling at me and spraying their alcoholic mucus in my air, effectively slicing through my good mood. One thing led to another and my mom was yelling some Korean jibber jabber at me, after 30 minutes of trying to calm her down I lost my cool. Not because of the time it took, but because she started to bring up issues of the past that happen to be very sensitive to my heart. Something like bringing up an old friend dying, etc etc. I lost it.

As I started returning her screams, I effectively shut her up. She had no come backs and it felt gooooood....But... off the corner of my eye, my dad stood up off my couch and stepped to me. His "I must defend my crazy ass wife" instincts must have kicked in. Last thing I remember is his uppercut meeting my chin, mid-sentence. I was zinged and saw the floor hit my head, and I blacked out.

I woke up in another room, with all kinds of bruises, cuts, my head through a door, and tooth shards in my mouth.

SHIT. They actually did it. They cheap shotted me, knocked me out, and beat me to hell while I was out...SHIT.

First thing I did was spit out all them tooth shards and look for which tooth was broken. Front tooth, wtf. First thing I thought was, "dam, I can't afford to have a haggered tooth! I got job interviews, I got a girl to kiss, I got (please excuse the arrogance) a pretty(ish) face!"

One thing led to another, and I payed the dentist for what had to be done. I thought it was gonna be a simple fill in, until I told him when the air touched my tooth (which, unfortunately, was all the time) it hurt like a mother. He looked at it and told me that my tooth had mad cracks. That it was just a bunch of shards that looked like half a tooth. None of my tooth was actually connected. Damn. I had to get a crown in it.

No cash left.

That's life I guess.

It made me rethink everything. While I was weeping like a willow, I thought of a lot of things.

How others have it worse.

I wondered if I should finally just call the police.

I thought of what would happen if I drove my car into a mountain.

And I thought of what I was doing with my life... How on fire I was for getting in the music business. How I saved up all this cash... just to see it all go for some bullshit.

I had heart, passion, DETERMINATION. But that doesn't mean I'm accomplishing anything. I can't just like music and wanna be a producer/dj that is successful enough to support himself. Nah.

I gotta have a vision, I got to focus my determination more. What is my vision? What is my mission statement? What is the deeper meaning behind what I'm doing?

Then it all hit me. Harder than that asshole's uppercut. I knew, then, why I'm doing this.. I have a story to tell, and I'm gonna touch the world.

Peace.

Someone bring it back!!

I know true hip hop has never really been "dead'', per se. But the mainstream media has definitely distorted it's image. Can I blame em though? With the economy down, they didn't really have a choice but to round out the edges and only play the pop sounding songs. And in return, all the more experimental music has virtually died to the average listener's ears. This includes the kind of hip hop that doesn't involve money, sex and violence.

I see Rakim coming with new albums, I see Nas, etc. And now I see Chali 2na coming out with his first solo album(which was actually a few months ago now) and if you haven't taken a listen to him yet, then do so NOW. Get on itunes and cop it. Some of the songs don't seem to be with the times yet, but a lot of them are worth a good listen. His voice would bring back memories and head nods to any old school hip hop head. And just in case you don't remember who this dude is, he was one of the MCs off Jurassic 5. One of the more distinct voices. Think deep and low and you'll remember who I'm talking about.

Any cat who's been complaining(like me) about wanting more Hip Hop music... It's been out there! They're exactly where you can grab them! On itunes, in stores, on limewire. It's just a matter of digging and finding them. The OGs have been back people. They're just buried by pop artists and mass media. A little digging and you just might find an old favorite rapper of yours coming back with some new joints. If you've been following the OG albums like I have, we owe it to them to spread the word. I'm not talkin bout going on a public marketing campaign. Naw. Maybe bump it in the car with all your friends and family listenin. DJs drop em at parties, I know you can atleast play that shit during your warm up set. All us true fuckas owe it to Hip Hop by keeping the fire going. I know Hip Hop has affected lives. I know it's (literally) saved mine, glory to God. Artists like Nas and Chali 2na can barely make it gold sometimes while some other whack ass album is going multi-platinum. Fck that. The fire is there, it's smaller but not dead, not even close. Imagine if we all threw in our own little piece of paper in that fire. All of us. That fire would grow and gobble up all that bullshit (big corporation and business politics) that's been keepin it down.

That's my two cents anyway. At the very least, I hope you guys will support an MC's album this week. I'm talkin MC, NOT a rapper. My little sister can rap, but only a few dudes out there will have what it takes to be a great MC.

One Love

Can a player ever change?

I was talkin to my friend Ash right now.. And she smacked me with some wisdom: We're young, why not just have fun? We'll always meet someone better and we have our whole lives to find a partner.

Part of me wants to know what a long term relationship feels like.. but i look at the relationship between me and my girl and see maybe it isn't as perfect as I made it out to be. We differ in language and culture, that's huge! We both bump Nas, and we both work out every damn day. But there's mad hunnies out there that's like that. The sex is good, but that doesn't last forever. I don't even know her, we've never had a chance to have a deep converstaion.

And on the side, I'm DJing a couple gigs a weekend now. I meet so many pretty girls I have chemistry with, it's just so tempting.. I'm trying to be a good BF. But part of me wants to just rip some clothes off, ykno?

I think the only reason I'm staying with her is that she's the hottest girl in Reno right now, and if I break up with her every other guy is gonna go after her. Do I like the status of dating the hottest K-girl in Reno and eating up the envy of all the guys more than I like HER??


Okay. I got it. I'll administer(spelling) a test. I won't see her til this saturday, I'll see if I miss her more or think of her less. Then make a decision.

Feeling so sad

Just as a prerequisite to this post: My roommate happens to be one of my closest brothers left in this fucked up world. He's a 23 year old dude who has been supporting his parents for a long ass time now. Not cause his parents are lazy, they just happened to not be as blessed as the rest of our parents who can hear and speak. He's a hard working cat I met a while back and we've been like brothers since.

Anyway, for the past few weeks or so. Life's been hitting him hard and I was startin to notice some wrinkles and tears on his face. As the days went on, his mood just got worse n worse. I mean, we've all hit that "rock bottom" and it seems like the world is just tryna push us lower and lower. But I was 100% sure he would pull his ass through, come out on top.

Yesterday, the last thing he said to me was, "Eric, no matter what happens, I always got ya back." with a tone that was just so sincere and serious at the same time. I looked at his face, his eyes were emotionless. He was sitting there waiting for me to make eye contact, as if to make sure I truly understood what he was trying to say to me.
I said, "I know dude, I got yours too." He blinked slowly and looked away.

That was his last words to me. I came back home today and he was fuckking gone..
ALL his shit is still sitting in his closet and desk. I usually knock first, and I'm sorry if you're reading this right now bruh, but I was worried about ya. So I walked in and his shit was all folded and nice and he was fucking gone. He wasn't at work or at a friends or drunk somewhere or anything. Just... gone...

This house is way to quiet without him. I've been bumping De La Soul all day, so I can stall the loneliness. But damn..

That was my dude. That's my dude. And he's fucking gone.

Summary

Man, mad updates are needed. First of all, why is everyone trippin about Kanye's outburst? You can say "That's just kanye, he's gonna be like that so just let it go", you can say "He's still human and should be held to the same standards as everyone else.. he unrightfully stole that moment from her!" Or something in between. I say thats an issue between Kanye West and everyone else who was involved.. I know it was on national television, but what part of the biz isn't nowadays, really. Let them handle it. Let's all save our energy for our own damn problems.

Whew

Now, I know it's been a rollercoaster ride with this fob girlthang of mine. But long story short: Shortly after the last post, I talked to my girl Ash about it and I realized that we probly shulda never gone so far anyway. The fob girlthand and I got in a little beef. But I got over her... BUT that fob girlthang called me the very next morning to make up and we hung out one day.. then another.. then another.. then another. We built a lot of chemistry, and she promised me she is gon master english within two months, and I promised her I'd get my six pack back by then, hahaha. We've been getting closer everday, feels like we been dating forever already.
Oh! And today she told me she loves me.. Whoa. I have three different feelings about this. Part one is thinking "Big ups to myself, lol. I did it again, I hooked another hottie". Part two is thinking "She loves me THIS soon??". And part three is thinking "She really loves me? I kinda like that :]"

Fire and Desire

Remember when I used to..
Love and leave them?
That's what I used to do.
Use and abuse them.
Then I layed eyes on you.
It was pain before pleasure.
That was my claim to fame.
With every measure, baby.
Tasted teardrop stains, yeah.
I was cold as ice long ago. Baby Baby.
I wasn't very very very nice, you know.
Sugar Sugar Sugar.
Then I kissed your lips
Then you turned on my fire, baby.
And you burned me up within your flames.
Took me a little higher.
Made me live again.
You turned on my fire, baby.
Then you showed me what a love could do.
Fire and desire, baby.
Feel it comin through.

Why.. This was all a mistake. I shouldv never let myself fall for this girl. I've just come to realize that a couple months down the road, we won't be together anymore. How can we, haha. We don't speak the same muh luvin language. We can only get to a certain point before the fire dies out.

When I'm not with her, I don't want to see her. It's stressful and boring to hang out with her, trying to translate everythign she saying. The only fun we have is when we touch. But i aint on that right now.
...that is.. until I'm with her...
And the few words that i understand, it blows me off my feet. She is so sweet and romantic, which ive never really had... But I can feel the fire is dying too..
I knew it in the beginning, but I just let myself fall anyway. Now I have to go through this muh luvin heartbreak before I move on.

..Should I move on? Why am I .. ugh

That's what I get for being so cold to so many girls in the past. But I thought God forgives and forgets. God, can't you just make me know korean, make a miracle happen. Make me a korean speaker please!! Let me wake up and know fluent korean!

Ugh

I just need this one miracle. Please.


This post is whack.

Tha Block Is Hot!!

Had a loooong week. Was suppose to do a show this last friday, but I decided to do a concert up in Northern Nevada instead. A Christian Concert. AKA free. My Patna earned all $600 from the show (which is a lot for a college student).

BUT I did a lot of networking on behalf of the band and it looks like we're going to on the road for a few more years. Which is good. We could be the next David Crowder Band Yo!!! haha

So something weird happened. I texted a girl, she didn't text back, and I'm actually trippin over that. I swear, I'm changing. But, there's a fine line between "gentleman" and "wussy". It's good I'm only fuckin with one lady, but I can't be a wuss over her. I better get my ass in gear!

Last but not least. After a long day today... I came back home, got pulled over by SWAT. Got questioned with shotguns in my face. Cop cars everywhere, armoured vehicles in every corner. This must be why the rent is so cheap. haha. But ay, you know a neighborhood bad when cops won't even go in there, so it's cool.
Guess I'll find out what happened in the morning news.

Goodnight!!

KEORA IS DOPE

I miss Oahu :[[[

Unarmed but unharmed

My crib is almost back to normal, damage is done though. Why can't they just find out who breakin in my crib?? That's what I don't like about this hood, they don't snitch no matter WHAT! haha..

So about this fob girl. She was all over me the other day. I was making her tingle n twitch and I aint even touch her hot spots yet. But one things been botherin me: We don't speak the same language.
I can't use my usual weapons on her. I can't talk to her deeply. I can't make her laugh like I want, can't tease her like I want, can't get to know her like I want. One day the touching is gon get old because of that. Being physically seduced is one thing, but being mentally and emotionally seduced is another. I feel like I'm "unarmed", like I can't use my macking weapons on her.. but it still feels all good right now. We still find ways to have a good time. If it's gettin freaky at the club or gettin close on the couch. So I'm still feelin "unharmed".

Idk fellas, I think I'm starting to change. I can't call myself CaptainCupid anymore. Hahaha. It's been a fun run while it lasted. Just call me Eric now.

:]

Hmmm, let's see let's see

She just woke up from my bed and just got home..

I guess I swept her off her feet, but I think she swept me off mine too.
So I can't believe this girl fell for me. She has a perfect body and a cute face. She's cool, funny, and really fun to be around. She helps me with homework and has good manners. She loves working out and music, which is the only two things I do anymore, haha. And she's a virgin. Usually only girls that like to fuck or that have an asian fetish will fall for me, but this girl is real. I hope she is anyway.

But, I've been fucking around with girls and juggling for so long... i'm not sure if I remember how to just be with one girl. After I dropped her off, my natural instinct was to get at a booty call. But I stopped myself, I guess that's a start... lol
I'm really trying to change my ass, if not for her then for myself. I hope she's got the same commitment. She likes to touch me a lot, so I'm hoping she doesn't just like my body or something, haha.

Why the fuck is this nonsense in "thoughts of a hip hop head"?? I'm sorry guys. I have one follower anyway, so whatever.

God bless

One Love.

Death of a player, pt 2

I'm usually the guy who needs to sleep eight hours or somethin to feel fresh.

I woke up abruptly at four hours.. and just thought of her. Ugh. This aint right! This is the makings of a heartbreak... I guess it's about time, lol, It's time for the "heartbreaker" to know what it feels like to get whipped.

Anyway, she wanted to kick it again today after church. So we'll see what happens. I'm REALLY worried about my Berklee Online Courses! I fell behind cause I was on tour, and now i got 12 hours of hw to do.. and today is the last day to turn everything in yo!! Time to put some passion on the side and get on my hustle.

HUSTLE HARDER

Death of a player

If there's anything all my years of fucking around with girls can do me, it's this. The little wisdom I've learned of macking and romancing, I'm gonna put it all to use one final time. I'm gonna make sure this is the last and only girl I romance, ya feel me?

I'm not gonna juggle anymore! I'm a one girl man now. Hahaha, this is probly the corniest post, but it just goes to show that everyone in life settles down sooner or later.

Praise God

One Love

Gender, does it matter in this case?

I took a look at my circle of friends. I'm not talking partnas, or homies.. I'm talking about FRIENDS. I realized they are ALL female.. I got Merk who teaches me to cook that mexican food in exchange for telling her about "true-school hip hop". I got Eggie who I talk to all night until one of us falls asleep (which is always her!). I got Gracie who makes sure I'm always smilin. I got Walker who is the only person who can school me in music. Jin who is trying to hard to make things right with us. I got Jo Bunny, LT, Merissa, Sara, Steph, etc. Shit i got this new cat, my Pillsbury Do Girl, who doesnt live here but she's tryna give me all her money so I can pay for school??

Do my "boys" do shit for me.. nah. This could be a reflection on my personality and attitude, or maybe a reflection of the men I choose to surround myself with, but ... idk man. A man gets lonely sometimes lol. He needs another dude thatll ride wit him.

Ladies, I love yall. But, i need a dude!!(no homo). Or one of yall better start playing Madden with me!! hahaha

On the shiny side of the penny, theres some news... Keeping posotive and praying is worth it. My broke ass got a random call from a random sweepstakes, I got 5G's in cash! AND maybe a meeting with the Production Manager of Capitol Records. I've got a garunteed job after I get myself graduated, film audio post-production. Things are looking up. There'll be bumps and bruises and broken bones in my future, but FUCK MAN

i GOT a future now!!!!

Praise the Lord. And pray I watch my swearing.

One Love

Promise to myself

1. Keep studying harder and harder.
2. Make it to class every damn morning, even if it means a 2 hour sleep.
3. Work out 7 days a week, get back into olympic lifting.
4. Start training again, get into some fights.
5. Pray everyday.
6. Do NOT date unless that girl is special to me. Fling as long as she knows what's up.. no fuck that, no more flings....okay flings.
7. Start the "lair" in Reno.
8. Kill all the whack shit around me, stay hip hop, stay business. Don't forget my struggle.
9. Learn Korean.
10. Evict my inner wussy.

Chopp Shop Productions

Brand new game in the NV area.. I hope they're legit. I hope they got my email. I hope they like my resume.

Thsi is my last hope, for real.. Pray for me.

I'm gonna make this thing work out eventually

I was gonna blog about a brand new girl in church today. Top 10 hottest I've ever seen, including celebrities. I was gonna write about our cute little subtleties today.

Until I came to my reality.

I have no money to do anymore albums, nor the resume to start charging up a storm. I'm getting asked for gigs, but don't have the money to fix my turntables or buy new needles. I can't pay for rent again, cause I got broken into and robbed and I have to pay for damages with the last drip drops of my wallet. And I need $1100 in 20 hours, or else I'm dropped out of school...

..But I'm gonna make it. I'm the guy who graduated high school living in his car! Eating at soup kitchens! Showering at school! With no trace of my parents, and my friends dropping out my depressing-ass presence.. I'm still here. I made it as a broke as gook once. I gotta find that strength again.
I'm still here now. I'll still be here tomorrow. Yall haven't seen the end of me yet!

My reality is about to set in

Speak of the devil (previous post). She just sent me a text out of nowhere. Yal know what I'm talking about, that random ex gf/bf text. She was talking about how she needs to get something off her chest, that she finally forgives me for what I did to her, though, she still doesn't wanna be friends.
When we were talking, it felt like old times. I had to cut it off, cause we were getting too friendly. It was just mad awkward, especially after the "other" girl was just at my crib...

Am I a player?
Do I still like her?
ugh

The ups and downs of a day

After a long day today, I was thinking back a couple months.. back when I had a certain girl.
I was thinkin, "man, i had a good girl. I had a 10/10 babe that was trying to change herself for me.." I was beginning to regret losing her. Maybe I AM a heartbreaker.. haha

I got in the elevator thinking, "why am i even thinkin about this." When two big boned, iced out, african americans with thick hiphop accents came into the elevator wit me. Here's what went down:
First guy: Oh my phone was ringing, didnt even know.
Second guy: Yeah, can't hear nuttn wit all dis noise.
First guy: (shuffles through pocket and looks at phone) it was you man, haha
Second guy: what?
First guy: YOU called me?
Second guy: yeeea.. like 20 minutes ago. What kinda phone ya got there.
First guy: hehe(puts phone back in pocket)
Second guy: You got that delayed shit (tone getting serious)
First guy: haha
Second guy: Dam doo, what if it was an emergency?! (elevator opens and they walk out)
First guy: (tries to talk but is cut off)
Second guy: I COULD BE DEAD BY NOW!!!


Pahahahaha. And I am officially laughing and cheered up again.